Are We Living the Dream or the Nightmare?

Apocalypse, Clouds, End Time, Atmospheric, Mystical

“You learned to run from what you feel, and that’s why you have nightmares. To deny is to invite madness. To accept is to control.” ― Megan Chance, The Spiritualist

I have a wonderful friend who is continuously inviting me to one kind of introspective workshop or another, and she wants me to join her Dream Group, which is led by a Jungian Psychologist. I explained to my friend that I don’t have dreams. I said that the group would be frozen in trying to analyze why I NEVER dream at all.

That night, I had a dream. Earlier in the day, I had written a post about how I like to hop into my old Honda Element and strike out on excursions and how I make stops that turn my excursions into my journey. Later I admitted to my friend that I didn’t dream. All through the night, I dreamed that I was driving around and around aimlessly, trying to get to an exclusive school where I formerly taught in Mississippi, but I kept missing the small, easy-to-miss sign that would have gotten me there. I  loopred around and around and around, trying to reach my destination. Bottom line: I did dream, or was that a nightmare?

I don’t believe that I need a Jungian psychologist to understand what I dreamed that night. Thirteen years ago, my house in Mississippi burned to the ground, and one of my children convinced me to leave the place where I had lived almost all of my life to move to the Jersey Shore. At that time, she lived an hour away from where I was moving, and I believed that the idea was that I would be moving closer to a familial connection. In reality, that child moved away, and I became stuck in New Jersey–1,000 miles away from home.

While I was in Mississippi, I taught for a while at a very good private school in Jackson, Mississippi, and in many ways, that was one of the times in my life that I felt most successful and most integrated. I was married and because I was teaching in this school, my children were able to attend it. My ex-husband had left a profession that he felt was not what he wanted to do and had begun medical school, something that he had always wanted to do. For a few years, I believed that life was actually going to be a Happily-Ever-After affair. That didn’t happen, but the key to understanding my nightmarish dream is that while I was teaching at this school, I believed that my life was going to end as a fairy tale.

Shortly after I left that job, things began to fall apart. Medical school did not meet all of my ex-husband’s expectations and because he did not become as happy as I had hoped that he would, the cloud began to settle again. I began to have conflict with the principal, and because my children did not have the finances to “keep up” with the other students in the school, I quit that job and my family moved out to a rural suburb of Jackson, Mississippi, and my children began school in a rural, public school. That wasn’t ideal either.

The house where we moved was on a farm that we didn’t have enough money to maintain and soon, my ex-husband left. I was forced to give up my farm, which is now valued at a small fortune, and I moved into a small house that burned to the ground. Is this story exhausting? Certainly, it is, but reading this tale is not nearly as bad as living it was.When I moved to New Jersey, I was already exhausted and whipped.

Wounded and lost, I moved  to New Jersey after my house burned, and quite honestly, for the past several years, I have been struggling to find my way. No doubt,in many ways I do feel that I need to get back to previous place, but if you will remember, the place that I am trying to reach in my dream is a delusion. It is a mirage that I see in a desert road. I am not trying to reach a place where I was actually happy. I am trying to reach a place where I only fooled myself into believing that I was happy.

homesick.jpg

I am homesick for a place I am not sure even exists, and my dream was about trying to reach that place that doesn’t even exist. The nightmare, however, would no doubt begin the moment that I arrived.

©Jacki Kellum July 15, 2016

Nightmare

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2 thoughts on “Are We Living the Dream or the Nightmare?

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