I Am Homesick for a Place I Am Not Sure Even Exists….

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“I am homesick for a place I am not sure even exists–One where my heart is full, my body loved, and my soul understood.” – Anonymous

Have you ever awakened with a vague aching within yourself–deep inside your heart? I have, and I believe it is the pain that some might say could be attributed to a hole in my heart. On those occasions, I am not sure what is missing, and I am not sure why I ache. It seems like a kind of fear, but I cannot identify a specific thing that frightens me. In one sense, several things might be out of place in my life, but I have had this feeling periodically across several time periods.

At this particular time, my family is broken. People don’t get along, and I feel isolated from them. I could say that my aching has been caused by that, but I began to long even before things got this way. Perhaps the vague longing is part of the reason that things fell apart.

At this particular time, my finances are strained and I realize that the period of time that I’ll be able to work is limited and that my financial issues will worsen. That frightens me, and perhaps that is what causes the aching, but I have had this feeling much of my life–long before I began edging toward this old and impoverished stage of my life. Perhaps that vague, haunting, and persistent longing is part of the reason that I am growing older with limited resources.

I have been through some very traumatic experiences, and some regrettable things happened to me when I was a very young child. No doubt, when a child is traumatized, an indelible stamp is etched within his spirit and as he grows, the mark grows–like cancer. It becomes part of who he is.

Also, when I was 20-years-old, I almost died in a car accident. Too early in life, I came to realize that life might be very short. We are not guaranteed how many days that we will walk through life. Because this happened to me early, I have gone through life, waiting for the other shoe to fall. I know that both of these experiences have affected me–have created fear and regret within me, but there may be more.

I cannot tell you what is missing inside myself, but I believe that the above quote offers a clue:

I am homesick for a place I am not sure even exists–One where my heart is full, my body loved, and my soul understood. – Anonymous

©Jacki Kellum March 3, 2016

Longing

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13 thoughts on “I Am Homesick for a Place I Am Not Sure Even Exists….

    1. Thanks for the encouragement. Sometimes it is nice to know that I am not the only one who has some of the feelings that I do.

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  1. A poet once taught me that nostalgia means sweet (nost) pain (alg). It’s the pain that comes from looking back in time selectively, romantically. You look back, but you also look ahead. And mainly you look now. I don’t know what the hole is. An empty place that needs filling in with something newly and forever meaningful. Some would say that’s faith. Some would say that’s too pat a response. I really don’t know. But you write about it so impressively.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. You are such a good and constant friend. Honestly, I have this feeling far less now that I am blogging every day. I think that has filled much of the hold.

      Liked by 2 people

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