I am 65-years-old now, and as I look back across the string of events that have been woven together to create my life, I wish that I could see a clear chain of well-considered decisions that were based on sound, unflawed reasoning. Unfortunately, however, denial has a tendecy to enter the equation. I find myself wondering if much of what I have done was based on the partial or flawed bits of information that I allowed to pose as truths.
Perhaps if I were a computer, my brain’s circuit board might be neat and organized, like the ones in the above photo. Maybe when I was first born, my brain’s wires were orderly, but I could not have been very old, when things that should not have happened did happen or when I simply did things that I should not have done. I have compounded the effects of those unfortunate events by making flawed decisions–primarily as efforts to compensate. Like the tangling web, my internal wires seem to have gotten more and more gnarled.
I definitely think too much, and all of that thinking muddles things even more; but my writing helps me to manage the knotting.
I would give anything to turn back time and to return to a period before my thinking began tying the twisted web that lies within my brain. No doubt, that would be the only way that my caged spirit would fly completely free.
But there are no Time Machines for me; therefore, I do the next best thing. I conntinue to pick the wires apart, one by one, and to shine harsh light on them. In the reflections, I continue to write.
©Jacki Kellum January 12, 2016